I'm saving America!

Never let it be said that John McCain didn't do his part to save America.

This week I'm stopping some of my commercials while I fly to Washington and work on some financial bill. It's a lot of boring mumbo-jumbo, but at least you avoid my commercials for a couple days. You can't say that about Obama.

I even suggested postponing our "debate" because I hate putting all that extra time into practicing posture and inflection. That stuff is for high school geeks in the National Forensic League (which isn't about CSI at all.)

So after I get George to work on this legislation, I'll be back on the campaign trail. And by "work on this legislation", I mean "put down the sudoku puzzle and pay attention." Yeah, my house is paid for too, but sweet Judas some people have mortgages. And a lot of those people also have guns.

Rep. Charles Rangel calls Sarah Palin 'disabled'...

You can't make this stuff up. Douchebag Rangel said in an interview my sweet Sarah was 'disabled'.

Now, I'm not going to lower myself to his level and state that he's a moron. I'm not even going to suggest that Charles Rangel enjoys beating his wife while touching himself and thinking of unusual ways to use lightbulbs. And I certainly would never infer that the Democratic US Representative from Harlem is responsible for more dead prostitutes than any other Congressman currently in office.

See, I like to consider myself above the fray, because negative politics is just wrong. hat's the way that John McCain rolls.

Speaking of rolls; I found if you microwave a Cinabon roll for about 45 seconds, it is delicious to an order of magnitude generally unseen on this planet. Really. It makes me nom.

PrezMcCain here! It's getting warmer!

Man, do I love a good fight. Not the kind where my wife cuts up my debit card, but a good political battle. And it looks like Obama and Biden are finally dishing out big time!

Of course, it's all part of the act. We all know that I'm really the next President. But it helps to polarize society. That way we can just sit on our butts in Washington and experience more gridlock than a DC traffic jam.

So Obama is saying things like I helped screw the economy, and I want to cater to the rich, and I one drank the blood of a newborn kitten.

To that I reply: who doesn't want to cater to the rich?

• The rich give me money for political favors
• The poor give me my french fries and Big Mac
• The rich let me fly on their personal jet
• The poor let me sit in the bed of their pickup truck
• The rich can afford the finest prostitutes
• The poor look on "Yahoo Personals"

You think we Washington types don't know that? Last week Obama was flying John Travolta's Lear jet. He did a loop-de-loop over the Grand Canyon. It was pretty rad, really.

Although Biden's "Paying higher taxes is patriotic" line was puzzling. That guy must hit the cough syrup a LOT. And he can't ply air hockey worth a damn either.

The week we've had.

So it's been a very bad week for some people lately.

There was the whole hurricaine thing, which wiped Galveston off the map. Again. It sucks for them since a lot of people lost their homes and cows and stuff. It sucks for you because your insurance policies are going to take a hit, which makes it harder to have your car "stolen". And it really sucks for me because nobody is paying attention to Sarah this week.

Before this was even fixed up, then stupid Lehman Brothers goes belly up. The worthless sack of crap running the place was earning about $100 million a year, which is Cindy's whole empire. That makes me feel so poor. As president I think we'll feed him to the crocodiles.

The Saturday Night Live spoof was pretty funny though. Tina Fey rocks my socks. Sarah says she liked it, but you can tell she wants a playground beatdown on all the writers. I keep telling her it comes with the territory, but she's having a hard time letting it go.

Hopefully she won't feed Tina Fey to the crocodiles come January.

Hooboy. The computer thing.

One day I want history to remember me as one of the "Greenest" Presidents. That's why when I listen to the radio, I only use a crystal set. It takes no electricity, and it allows me to hide in the basement when Cindy realizes I left 1/4 cup of coffee in the pot and didn't bother making more.


I'm flipping the radio last night from talk station to talk station. It seems that AM isn't very good for much these days except talk and "Radio Disney". I'd make a crystal set that can get FM too, but the antenna would be too long. Cin does not like me running wires outside of the house.

Anyway, they're talking about a new commercial saying I can't use computers or send email. Like I'm technologically a dinosaur. Horsefeathers! I was on QuantumLink in the 80s! And as for not knowing how to send email, I pay someone almost $50K a year to do that for me. So bite me.

Now in all honesty, I haven't kept up on the newest games as much as I'd like. The arcade downtown closed a couple years ago because all the kids have consoles, and apparently I'm the last man alive who appreciates a good pinball table.

I tried to pick up a PS3, figuring I could con the wife with the "Blu-Ray" player being built in. She flipped, saying I couldn't buy it because the gamefields were going to burn in the screen in the living room TV. Some people just can't get over the whole "Ms. PacMan" incident of 1984.

This leads me to my next thought. Come January my "inaguration" is happening. I've got a shoebox full of Atari games that are going to be put right underneath the Presidential TV set. Do those wide screen models distort the screen any? I hope not. I like my Ms. PacMan to be round, not oval shaped.

No more black-and-white Pitfall for me! YES!

Lipstick on a pig!

Talk about stepping into it with both feet... the whole hullaballoo with Obama using the ol' "Lipstick On A Pig" line is hillarity! Yeah, he probably meant it so that people would catch it, all along having a good defense that he didn't mean it, wink wink.

In a way, it's a little deserved. The whole hockey mom/bulldog thing was one of those cliched jokes one of your not-so-clever friends would make and laugh to themselves, while people are dying inside at how not funny it is. I told her not to use it, but she insisted.

Obama almost got Biden's stem cell rant off the front page of CNN's website, too. Maybe he said it on purpose for multiple reasons. I'll have to call him this week and ask. I have to cancel our afternoon of "We Ski" we'd planned anyway, since I couldn't get an extra Wii Fit controller.

Sarah doesn't like video games. But she does enjoy an energetic round of cornhole. I'd have to say that Cindy and I are kind of fond of it too, and were looking for a new couple to play with. I'll let you know who scores the most!

Keith Olbermann

If you follow the right-wing blogs like I do, you've probably seen the glee exuding from your screen at the "demotion" of Keith Olbermann. Some people think that Keith (I can call him Keith, because I'm going to be annoited President soon) is a little bombastic, and an arrogant jerk.

That kind of goes without saying. Of course he's a douche. That's the part he's being paid to play.

What some people don't understand about the MSM is that it is all theatre. Do you think if they actually reported what was going on you'd give thought one about Keith being an asshole?

To demonstrate what I mean, give this video a quick view if you're unfamiliar with Radiohead.



Woo, now THAT'S what I'm talking about!

Luckily for you, dear reader, I will use this 'blog to tell you all the things I can't say on TV. Because I have the plausible deniability here, you will learn all sorts of cool things once I get my hands on some files in January.

Maybe I'll even post the real Sarah Palin bikini pictures. They're sweet.

Getting ready for the big day!

So everyone was all like: "John, you crazy for nominating an unknown woman for a VP pick!", and "This is a cynical ploy to get disenfranchised Hillary voters."

But check the "polls", losers. I'm up over the other guy! And if you were standing behind Sarah, you'd be "up" too (if you know what I mean.)

As much as people think this was a cynical ploy, I'm actually starting to get pretty comfy with the idea of a hottie VP. Yeah, she was hotter before the five kids, but if your coworker is still that smokin' at 44 I'll eat my hat.

And let's be truthful here: all of us in politics are pretty cynical bastards. You don't think the O man is using a little class warfare with his "religion and guns" speech? That was genius! Hell, I'm thinking of giving away MacBooks to people for votes.

Well, people who cast the electoral college votes. Regular proles can pound salt.

Maybe I should make the free computers MacBook Pros. Might as well show people I appreciate the sentiment.

Vote for the "hot redhead" ticket!

I accept this nomination!

So tonight was my big speech. What did you think?

For the most part it went OK. I may have stumbled over a couple words, but at least it wasn't as painful as listening to George explain anything more complex than how to make a peanut butter-marshmallow creme sandwich. If you remember him in the debates, you were probably cringing. Even if you liked him.

God only knows what his parents were thinking, although it probably had something to do with getting a refund from Yale.

Anyway, the speech didn't go over quite as nice as Sarah's did, but I've always had a thing for hot chicks who have power. Or money. The wife has her Scrooge McDuck swimming pool filled with dollar bills. And she's easy on the eyes, too.

Cindy picked out my tie tonight. I hate yellow, but know I'd hear her yapping about it until 3:00 AM if I didn't just wear the damn thing. Some battles aren't worth fighting.

Now that I'm the "official candidate", the "election" will be a "shoe-in." Yeah, I'll only get 52% of the "popular vote", but it will be "where it counts."

It's enough to make my heart grow three sizes.

Does anyone know if they still have a bowling alley in the White House? If so, my first Executive Order is getting that bad boy updated for computerized scoring. Those rules on spares and strikes always confuse me.

Just remember: John McCain has 14-lb. balls.

HooWAAH!

I just heard Sarah's speech, and might I say that even I'm going to vote for me now.

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah...

I knew that soon as I announced a candidate on "real" MSM channels, people would find something to bitch about. And boy howdy, I hit the nail on the head this time.

For those who've been living under a rock, your new VP has a daughter who seems to find difficulty in keeping her legs closed. Not that there aren't thousands of teenagers a year who get knocked up, but for some reason liberal douchebags have a problem with this.

See, I was all set to get some real action in the Oval Office. Bill did it, so did JFK. And although you haven't heard, W loves the lapdance in that nice leather chair.

But apparently, Democratic voters suddenly have some new morality going on. Like they never knocked socks in Mom's station wagon out at the lake on a chilly Friday evening. I'll bet they never had a beer at 16 or smoked weed either.

God, you liberals are worse than Christians sometimes. I'll bet you try and back out of your "Pay Per View" porn charges on your cable bill just like they do. You really make me physically ill.

Just back off of the little tramp, please? If you've seen her "boyfriend", you know she's screwed enough.

My Retraction.

Regular readers of this blog will be quick to note that I had previously stated Tom Ridge was my choice for Vice President. Today's news that it will in fact be Sarah Palin.

I can explain.

Tom Ridge was my choice. I even called him yesterday morning to offer him the job, but nobody picked up. Maybe he wasn't home, or didn't put in his hearing aid yet. Hard to say, really. Since he never checks his voicemail, I didn't bother leaving a message.

About noon, I was discussing this with Cindy. I figured I'd call later that afternoon, but she mentioned Palin.

I've talked with Palin before and that woman just goes on forever about anything she can think about. So I told Cindy there was no way Palin would work out.

Cindy said if I didn't offer Palin the job, I'd regret it. I told Cindy she and her $100 million weren't man enough to make me do anything.

Then she knocked me over, sat on my chest and tickled me until I screamed for mercy. She agreed to stop if I would place the call.

Unfortunately, Sarah was home. It's almost as if she and Cindy planned this all along. I wonder.

More DNC goodness...

Yesterday I was watching Fox News as the votes at the DNC were being compiled. Some people were still voting for Hil, but most were going for Barack.

Then in the middle of all the voting, a strange thing happened. A bunch of penguins waddled onto the floor and proclaimed the revolution had begun. People began to scatter in terror as winged cats circled menacingly around the ceiling of the convention hall.

The hosts at MSNBC were summarily executed by Chinese gymnasts, who were being commanded by the iPhone girl. Other press booths were firebombed by Zombie Abbie Hoffman using explosive copies of Steal This Book.

Suddenly, Cindy dropped a pan in the kitchen. I jumped off the couch, and Biden was giving a speech as if nothing had happened. It slowly dawned on me that it was all a dream.

Which sucks, because a Zombie Abbie Hoffman would really be cool searching for Yippie brains.

This would totally rule...

So last night I'm on the La-Z-Boy, eating fudge ripple ice cream while some "ladies" are massaging my feet. I goofed up the Tivo again, so there isn't anything on but the Democratic Convention. Talk about a yawnfest.

Anyway, it hits me: I should have asked Hillary to be my running mate, but make sure she keeps it on the DL until giving her speech at the DNC.

Can you imagine, her talking about Obama and then suddenly saying "That's why I'm proud to be John McCain's running mate?" Talk about "cut to commercial!" It would be bedlam!

Of course, Tom Ridge would be pissed. But he'll get over it. I'll just make him secretary of something.

Vote McCain! Woo!

On being harsh...

Some of my loyal readers may have thought that my calling Sen. Biden a "blowhard" in my last post was a little harsh. After all, he is a buddy of mine. We go on hunting trips (without Cheney) and everything.

Well, yeah. He's a friend. But he also wants to make it difficult for me to hide stuff on my computer. Biden says encryption is bad. Biden wants the government to be able to investigate your PC.

But not John McCain.

John McCain wants every American to feel safe in their ability to hide hermaphrodite lactation pornography on their computer without worrying the police will open your TrueCrypt container. John McCain doesn't care what "linux distros" you download with uTorrent. And John McCain couldn't care less what the pricks at the MPAA have to say about anything.

I mean, after the non-ending of "No Country For Old Men"... need I say more? It's like they're asking for it.

This week is the Democratic Convention. If you're in the hotel room directly above any of the "important" people, I will send you $100 if you drop cinder blocksfrom above your head onto the floor anytime after 3:00AM. Let me know at PrezMcCain (at) gmail (dot) com.

A vote for John McCain is a vote me! Wheeee!

Wow. Just.... just wow.

So the other guy has come out with his running mate, none other than Joe Biden. What in the name of the unholy Gods was he thinking?

It isn't like he's only on his first or second term in Washington. The guy has been there longer than me!

And as many, many people will state in blogs and editorials to come he's been known to "borrow" lines from other people without proper accreditation. Even on papers in school, with the weak "I don't know what MLA format is."

He's a bit of a blowhard. A Washington blowhard, which is worse than all those rich kids in school who got a car for their 16th birthday, while you had to borrow your Grandmother's Renault.

And one thing you may not know... he thinks leaving a waitress a dime tip is funny, regardless of how good her service was.

What a douche.

If I didn't already know I was going to "win the election", my confidence would have just shot up by about a million percent.

Which is sad for Biden, who is probably making up his acceptance speech regarding how
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Just saying.

Good God Almighty....

It started innocently enough. I called George to ask him for an update on the Poland and Russia situation that Condi is currently handling. He didn't have much of an update on that, but was breathlessly trying to tell me of a new Executive Order he was working on.

Apparently the current President wants to change the national bird from the Bald Eagle to a bat. The kind that eat lots of bugs and fly around at night.

I tried to reason with him. "George, bats aren't birds. They can't be the national bird if they aren't birds to begin with."

"But they're scary. And Russia needs to be scared of us. Bats would help that." he argued.

This went on for over an hour. Luckily the battery on my phone finally died.

He's probably still sitting in his office playing with bats crudely cut out of black construction paper. I should have never shown him you can use a white crayon to draw them.

"Vote!"

I'm back!

It's been a busy three days in the McCain candidacy. Between the speeches and backroom deals and shaking babies, I'm doing all I can to ensure that my election this November looks as legitimate as possible.

Not that polls mean squat, but today according to Drudge I'm up 5 points. Woohoo! Eat it, naysayers!

So I had some more "potential voters" asking how my life is relevant and makes me Presidential material. It took a little bit of talking, but we found our common ground: banging models.

Yes, the first wife was a model. A swimwear model. Has my opponent scored any hottie models? I think not. I'm really looking forward to "normalizing relations" with Sweden even as I type this. You betcha.

Keep on bringing in those questions, and I'll answer what I can! Just email me at "prezmccain" at "gmail.com".

You know how it feels...

I was at an event this weekend stumping for votes, and these punk kids decided to start razzing me about being in the military. Now I can take some hazing as well as the next guy, but these two kids were really starting to get under my skin.

I motioned for one of my Secret Service goons to escort the jerks out, and they start up that "Don't taze me, bro" crap that was popular last year. So instead I had Tony (the head goon) whack one of them in the arm with a tire iron.

The other one piped down pretty quickly after that.

See, this is how I'm going to run our foreign policy come January. If that Chavez guy gets all uppity, we're going to kidnap his little yappy dogs. If he doesn't come around, I'll stick the dogs in a room with a bunch of Mama cats. You don't get between a cat and her kittens.

Vote!

My running mate! (Don't tell!)

Hey,

Since I decided to start this blog, it occurred to me that I can put anything I want on here. I need to give you guys reasons to vote for me so that in November nobody will be any the wiser if those Diebold jerks drop the ball again.

One of the questions everyone asks me is who my running mate will be. A lot of people want me to pick Rudy Guliani, but there's no way. I mean, he and my wife Cindy are just a little too chummy when we have political gatherings. That jerk isn't going to be wooing the wife for the next eight years.

Some people want me to pick Lieberman. He hates video games, so that won't work when we have "Quake Night" on the White House computer network.

So I've decided on Tom Ridge.

Yep, Ridge. You heard it here first. Why would I go for this guy? Simple.

He's from Pennsylvania, a state with far too many pine trees. If he didn't set forest fires (I know I would) then he must be somewhat stable. He also married a librarian, so I'll have first choice of all the movies that come into the library.

He's also a little deaf. That means whenever we order pizza, I'll get the choice of the toppings.
"What do you want on your 'za, Tom?.... No answer?...Sounds like triple bacon and pepperoni again!"

So vote for me in November, because triple bacon and pepperoni is really good, especially when it's free! (Like cops, Presidents get free food during their shift at fast food restaurants.)

Hello, all!

I'm not actually President yet (that you know of...) but I'm putting this up here to talk to my constituents.

That's you young kids.

When I'm President, I won't need to say "get off my lawn" because I'll have fire hoses.

Just you wait.