My Retraction.

Regular readers of this blog will be quick to note that I had previously stated Tom Ridge was my choice for Vice President. Today's news that it will in fact be Sarah Palin.

I can explain.

Tom Ridge was my choice. I even called him yesterday morning to offer him the job, but nobody picked up. Maybe he wasn't home, or didn't put in his hearing aid yet. Hard to say, really. Since he never checks his voicemail, I didn't bother leaving a message.

About noon, I was discussing this with Cindy. I figured I'd call later that afternoon, but she mentioned Palin.

I've talked with Palin before and that woman just goes on forever about anything she can think about. So I told Cindy there was no way Palin would work out.

Cindy said if I didn't offer Palin the job, I'd regret it. I told Cindy she and her $100 million weren't man enough to make me do anything.

Then she knocked me over, sat on my chest and tickled me until I screamed for mercy. She agreed to stop if I would place the call.

Unfortunately, Sarah was home. It's almost as if she and Cindy planned this all along. I wonder.

More DNC goodness...

Yesterday I was watching Fox News as the votes at the DNC were being compiled. Some people were still voting for Hil, but most were going for Barack.

Then in the middle of all the voting, a strange thing happened. A bunch of penguins waddled onto the floor and proclaimed the revolution had begun. People began to scatter in terror as winged cats circled menacingly around the ceiling of the convention hall.

The hosts at MSNBC were summarily executed by Chinese gymnasts, who were being commanded by the iPhone girl. Other press booths were firebombed by Zombie Abbie Hoffman using explosive copies of Steal This Book.

Suddenly, Cindy dropped a pan in the kitchen. I jumped off the couch, and Biden was giving a speech as if nothing had happened. It slowly dawned on me that it was all a dream.

Which sucks, because a Zombie Abbie Hoffman would really be cool searching for Yippie brains.

This would totally rule...

So last night I'm on the La-Z-Boy, eating fudge ripple ice cream while some "ladies" are massaging my feet. I goofed up the Tivo again, so there isn't anything on but the Democratic Convention. Talk about a yawnfest.

Anyway, it hits me: I should have asked Hillary to be my running mate, but make sure she keeps it on the DL until giving her speech at the DNC.

Can you imagine, her talking about Obama and then suddenly saying "That's why I'm proud to be John McCain's running mate?" Talk about "cut to commercial!" It would be bedlam!

Of course, Tom Ridge would be pissed. But he'll get over it. I'll just make him secretary of something.

Vote McCain! Woo!

On being harsh...

Some of my loyal readers may have thought that my calling Sen. Biden a "blowhard" in my last post was a little harsh. After all, he is a buddy of mine. We go on hunting trips (without Cheney) and everything.

Well, yeah. He's a friend. But he also wants to make it difficult for me to hide stuff on my computer. Biden says encryption is bad. Biden wants the government to be able to investigate your PC.

But not John McCain.

John McCain wants every American to feel safe in their ability to hide hermaphrodite lactation pornography on their computer without worrying the police will open your TrueCrypt container. John McCain doesn't care what "linux distros" you download with uTorrent. And John McCain couldn't care less what the pricks at the MPAA have to say about anything.

I mean, after the non-ending of "No Country For Old Men"... need I say more? It's like they're asking for it.

This week is the Democratic Convention. If you're in the hotel room directly above any of the "important" people, I will send you $100 if you drop cinder blocksfrom above your head onto the floor anytime after 3:00AM. Let me know at PrezMcCain (at) gmail (dot) com.

A vote for John McCain is a vote me! Wheeee!

Wow. Just.... just wow.

So the other guy has come out with his running mate, none other than Joe Biden. What in the name of the unholy Gods was he thinking?

It isn't like he's only on his first or second term in Washington. The guy has been there longer than me!

And as many, many people will state in blogs and editorials to come he's been known to "borrow" lines from other people without proper accreditation. Even on papers in school, with the weak "I don't know what MLA format is."

He's a bit of a blowhard. A Washington blowhard, which is worse than all those rich kids in school who got a car for their 16th birthday, while you had to borrow your Grandmother's Renault.

And one thing you may not know... he thinks leaving a waitress a dime tip is funny, regardless of how good her service was.

What a douche.

If I didn't already know I was going to "win the election", my confidence would have just shot up by about a million percent.

Which is sad for Biden, who is probably making up his acceptance speech regarding how
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Just saying.

Good God Almighty....

It started innocently enough. I called George to ask him for an update on the Poland and Russia situation that Condi is currently handling. He didn't have much of an update on that, but was breathlessly trying to tell me of a new Executive Order he was working on.

Apparently the current President wants to change the national bird from the Bald Eagle to a bat. The kind that eat lots of bugs and fly around at night.

I tried to reason with him. "George, bats aren't birds. They can't be the national bird if they aren't birds to begin with."

"But they're scary. And Russia needs to be scared of us. Bats would help that." he argued.

This went on for over an hour. Luckily the battery on my phone finally died.

He's probably still sitting in his office playing with bats crudely cut out of black construction paper. I should have never shown him you can use a white crayon to draw them.

"Vote!"

I'm back!

It's been a busy three days in the McCain candidacy. Between the speeches and backroom deals and shaking babies, I'm doing all I can to ensure that my election this November looks as legitimate as possible.

Not that polls mean squat, but today according to Drudge I'm up 5 points. Woohoo! Eat it, naysayers!

So I had some more "potential voters" asking how my life is relevant and makes me Presidential material. It took a little bit of talking, but we found our common ground: banging models.

Yes, the first wife was a model. A swimwear model. Has my opponent scored any hottie models? I think not. I'm really looking forward to "normalizing relations" with Sweden even as I type this. You betcha.

Keep on bringing in those questions, and I'll answer what I can! Just email me at "prezmccain" at "gmail.com".

You know how it feels...

I was at an event this weekend stumping for votes, and these punk kids decided to start razzing me about being in the military. Now I can take some hazing as well as the next guy, but these two kids were really starting to get under my skin.

I motioned for one of my Secret Service goons to escort the jerks out, and they start up that "Don't taze me, bro" crap that was popular last year. So instead I had Tony (the head goon) whack one of them in the arm with a tire iron.

The other one piped down pretty quickly after that.

See, this is how I'm going to run our foreign policy come January. If that Chavez guy gets all uppity, we're going to kidnap his little yappy dogs. If he doesn't come around, I'll stick the dogs in a room with a bunch of Mama cats. You don't get between a cat and her kittens.

Vote!

My running mate! (Don't tell!)

Hey,

Since I decided to start this blog, it occurred to me that I can put anything I want on here. I need to give you guys reasons to vote for me so that in November nobody will be any the wiser if those Diebold jerks drop the ball again.

One of the questions everyone asks me is who my running mate will be. A lot of people want me to pick Rudy Guliani, but there's no way. I mean, he and my wife Cindy are just a little too chummy when we have political gatherings. That jerk isn't going to be wooing the wife for the next eight years.

Some people want me to pick Lieberman. He hates video games, so that won't work when we have "Quake Night" on the White House computer network.

So I've decided on Tom Ridge.

Yep, Ridge. You heard it here first. Why would I go for this guy? Simple.

He's from Pennsylvania, a state with far too many pine trees. If he didn't set forest fires (I know I would) then he must be somewhat stable. He also married a librarian, so I'll have first choice of all the movies that come into the library.

He's also a little deaf. That means whenever we order pizza, I'll get the choice of the toppings.
"What do you want on your 'za, Tom?.... No answer?...Sounds like triple bacon and pepperoni again!"

So vote for me in November, because triple bacon and pepperoni is really good, especially when it's free! (Like cops, Presidents get free food during their shift at fast food restaurants.)

Hello, all!

I'm not actually President yet (that you know of...) but I'm putting this up here to talk to my constituents.

That's you young kids.

When I'm President, I won't need to say "get off my lawn" because I'll have fire hoses.

Just you wait.