My Retraction.

Regular readers of this blog will be quick to note that I had previously stated Tom Ridge was my choice for Vice President. Today's news that it will in fact be Sarah Palin.

I can explain.

Tom Ridge was my choice. I even called him yesterday morning to offer him the job, but nobody picked up. Maybe he wasn't home, or didn't put in his hearing aid yet. Hard to say, really. Since he never checks his voicemail, I didn't bother leaving a message.

About noon, I was discussing this with Cindy. I figured I'd call later that afternoon, but she mentioned Palin.

I've talked with Palin before and that woman just goes on forever about anything she can think about. So I told Cindy there was no way Palin would work out.

Cindy said if I didn't offer Palin the job, I'd regret it. I told Cindy she and her $100 million weren't man enough to make me do anything.

Then she knocked me over, sat on my chest and tickled me until I screamed for mercy. She agreed to stop if I would place the call.

Unfortunately, Sarah was home. It's almost as if she and Cindy planned this all along. I wonder.

Good God Almighty....

It started innocently enough. I called George to ask him for an update on the Poland and Russia situation that Condi is currently handling. He didn't have much of an update on that, but was breathlessly trying to tell me of a new Executive Order he was working on.

Apparently the current President wants to change the national bird from the Bald Eagle to a bat. The kind that eat lots of bugs and fly around at night.

I tried to reason with him. "George, bats aren't birds. They can't be the national bird if they aren't birds to begin with."

"But they're scary. And Russia needs to be scared of us. Bats would help that." he argued.

This went on for over an hour. Luckily the battery on my phone finally died.

He's probably still sitting in his office playing with bats crudely cut out of black construction paper. I should have never shown him you can use a white crayon to draw them.

"Vote!"

My running mate! (Don't tell!)

Hey,

Since I decided to start this blog, it occurred to me that I can put anything I want on here. I need to give you guys reasons to vote for me so that in November nobody will be any the wiser if those Diebold jerks drop the ball again.

One of the questions everyone asks me is who my running mate will be. A lot of people want me to pick Rudy Guliani, but there's no way. I mean, he and my wife Cindy are just a little too chummy when we have political gatherings. That jerk isn't going to be wooing the wife for the next eight years.

Some people want me to pick Lieberman. He hates video games, so that won't work when we have "Quake Night" on the White House computer network.

So I've decided on Tom Ridge.

Yep, Ridge. You heard it here first. Why would I go for this guy? Simple.

He's from Pennsylvania, a state with far too many pine trees. If he didn't set forest fires (I know I would) then he must be somewhat stable. He also married a librarian, so I'll have first choice of all the movies that come into the library.

He's also a little deaf. That means whenever we order pizza, I'll get the choice of the toppings.
"What do you want on your 'za, Tom?.... No answer?...Sounds like triple bacon and pepperoni again!"

So vote for me in November, because triple bacon and pepperoni is really good, especially when it's free! (Like cops, Presidents get free food during their shift at fast food restaurants.)

Hello, all!

I'm not actually President yet (that you know of...) but I'm putting this up here to talk to my constituents.

That's you young kids.

When I'm President, I won't need to say "get off my lawn" because I'll have fire hoses.

Just you wait.