I'm saving America!

Never let it be said that John McCain didn't do his part to save America.

This week I'm stopping some of my commercials while I fly to Washington and work on some financial bill. It's a lot of boring mumbo-jumbo, but at least you avoid my commercials for a couple days. You can't say that about Obama.

I even suggested postponing our "debate" because I hate putting all that extra time into practicing posture and inflection. That stuff is for high school geeks in the National Forensic League (which isn't about CSI at all.)

So after I get George to work on this legislation, I'll be back on the campaign trail. And by "work on this legislation", I mean "put down the sudoku puzzle and pay attention." Yeah, my house is paid for too, but sweet Judas some people have mortgages. And a lot of those people also have guns.

PrezMcCain here! It's getting warmer!

Man, do I love a good fight. Not the kind where my wife cuts up my debit card, but a good political battle. And it looks like Obama and Biden are finally dishing out big time!

Of course, it's all part of the act. We all know that I'm really the next President. But it helps to polarize society. That way we can just sit on our butts in Washington and experience more gridlock than a DC traffic jam.

So Obama is saying things like I helped screw the economy, and I want to cater to the rich, and I one drank the blood of a newborn kitten.

To that I reply: who doesn't want to cater to the rich?

• The rich give me money for political favors
• The poor give me my french fries and Big Mac
• The rich let me fly on their personal jet
• The poor let me sit in the bed of their pickup truck
• The rich can afford the finest prostitutes
• The poor look on "Yahoo Personals"

You think we Washington types don't know that? Last week Obama was flying John Travolta's Lear jet. He did a loop-de-loop over the Grand Canyon. It was pretty rad, really.

Although Biden's "Paying higher taxes is patriotic" line was puzzling. That guy must hit the cough syrup a LOT. And he can't ply air hockey worth a damn either.

I accept this nomination!

So tonight was my big speech. What did you think?

For the most part it went OK. I may have stumbled over a couple words, but at least it wasn't as painful as listening to George explain anything more complex than how to make a peanut butter-marshmallow creme sandwich. If you remember him in the debates, you were probably cringing. Even if you liked him.

God only knows what his parents were thinking, although it probably had something to do with getting a refund from Yale.

Anyway, the speech didn't go over quite as nice as Sarah's did, but I've always had a thing for hot chicks who have power. Or money. The wife has her Scrooge McDuck swimming pool filled with dollar bills. And she's easy on the eyes, too.

Cindy picked out my tie tonight. I hate yellow, but know I'd hear her yapping about it until 3:00 AM if I didn't just wear the damn thing. Some battles aren't worth fighting.

Now that I'm the "official candidate", the "election" will be a "shoe-in." Yeah, I'll only get 52% of the "popular vote", but it will be "where it counts."

It's enough to make my heart grow three sizes.

Does anyone know if they still have a bowling alley in the White House? If so, my first Executive Order is getting that bad boy updated for computerized scoring. Those rules on spares and strikes always confuse me.

Just remember: John McCain has 14-lb. balls.

Wow. Just.... just wow.

So the other guy has come out with his running mate, none other than Joe Biden. What in the name of the unholy Gods was he thinking?

It isn't like he's only on his first or second term in Washington. The guy has been there longer than me!

And as many, many people will state in blogs and editorials to come he's been known to "borrow" lines from other people without proper accreditation. Even on papers in school, with the weak "I don't know what MLA format is."

He's a bit of a blowhard. A Washington blowhard, which is worse than all those rich kids in school who got a car for their 16th birthday, while you had to borrow your Grandmother's Renault.

And one thing you may not know... he thinks leaving a waitress a dime tip is funny, regardless of how good her service was.

What a douche.

If I didn't already know I was going to "win the election", my confidence would have just shot up by about a million percent.

Which is sad for Biden, who is probably making up his acceptance speech regarding how
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Just saying.