I'm saving America!

Never let it be said that John McCain didn't do his part to save America.

This week I'm stopping some of my commercials while I fly to Washington and work on some financial bill. It's a lot of boring mumbo-jumbo, but at least you avoid my commercials for a couple days. You can't say that about Obama.

I even suggested postponing our "debate" because I hate putting all that extra time into practicing posture and inflection. That stuff is for high school geeks in the National Forensic League (which isn't about CSI at all.)

So after I get George to work on this legislation, I'll be back on the campaign trail. And by "work on this legislation", I mean "put down the sudoku puzzle and pay attention." Yeah, my house is paid for too, but sweet Judas some people have mortgages. And a lot of those people also have guns.

PrezMcCain here! It's getting warmer!

Man, do I love a good fight. Not the kind where my wife cuts up my debit card, but a good political battle. And it looks like Obama and Biden are finally dishing out big time!

Of course, it's all part of the act. We all know that I'm really the next President. But it helps to polarize society. That way we can just sit on our butts in Washington and experience more gridlock than a DC traffic jam.

So Obama is saying things like I helped screw the economy, and I want to cater to the rich, and I one drank the blood of a newborn kitten.

To that I reply: who doesn't want to cater to the rich?

• The rich give me money for political favors
• The poor give me my french fries and Big Mac
• The rich let me fly on their personal jet
• The poor let me sit in the bed of their pickup truck
• The rich can afford the finest prostitutes
• The poor look on "Yahoo Personals"

You think we Washington types don't know that? Last week Obama was flying John Travolta's Lear jet. He did a loop-de-loop over the Grand Canyon. It was pretty rad, really.

Although Biden's "Paying higher taxes is patriotic" line was puzzling. That guy must hit the cough syrup a LOT. And he can't ply air hockey worth a damn either.